Russian River, you have been tamed!
By these guys.
Especially those with jazz hands.

Here’s the things I learned on ManCation:
1) Kayaking is hard. Like really hard. Like harder than you would ever think it is.
2) Suntan lotions in stick form, DO NOT WORK. I have stripes of red and white on each leg, where normal healthy skin alternates with second degree blistering burns. Aloe. How I love you. I loe you. Aloe.
3) Brian Yeh snores like a asthmatic bear.
4) A hot tub is safe at 106 degrees. It is organ roasting at 113. No way was I going in there.
5) Daniel Lee makes great cocktails, muddler or no.
6) Daniel Lee always sleeps alone.
7) A curtain is not a door. Especially not on a bathroom in a shared bedroom.
8) George Nachtrieb and Alex Estrovitz might be the best cooks ever.
9) Not all brownies are equal.
10) Forrest Gump is still a terrible movie. Wait, I meant Forrest Hump. Yeah. That’s what we watched. Totally Forrest Hump.
It was a great weekend and despite my burned ankles that have crippled me, I am enjoying the eat-a-thon that is San Francisco. And now on to eight more weeks of being a bachelor.

So far, ManCation is WILD. Started in LA by scrubbing our stovetop grill thing with aluminum foil. Got a ride to Burbank’s Bob Hope Airport (the greatest lil’ port in the world) and saw none other than Mr. Wayne Newton. The original ManCation enthusiast! He got wanded and mouthed “Danke Shein” to the TSA agent. NICE MOVE, NEWTON! Then we saw Margaret Cho texting furiously near the awesomely named, Chezz Burger Chezz Burger, where I had a root beer float! Awwww….yeah MANFLOAT! Woman on plane misquotes the grating “Coldest summer I ever spent, no wait…” as we watch the fog roll in over SF. I grab some Cole Coffee and chill with Sally and give her my million dollar idea about pizza boxes – Pirforratzza! Head to SF, walk from Civic Center to Lower Haight. Still can’t find cat I’m supposed to be watching, but it’s eaten all the food and pooped in the sand box, so I guess it’s here. Or there’s an invisible silent midget whose ass is covered in sand. Ate a gigantic plate of Memphis Minnie’s BBQ Tri-Tip smothered in heaven sauce. Now just waiting out the evening by watching Frasier and then off to sleep. MANCATION RULZ!

MANCATION! aka Daniel’s Birthday Party II, Son of the Demon aka My Bachelor Party is on in just five short days. All signs are headed towards a totally Rated R Weekend. We’re all a little uncomfortable with Rated X, so here’s hoping for a few spare curse words and a 30 second flash of skin! This ain’t no PG-13 Bullcrap, y’all! Watch out, Russian River, BOYZ N CANOOZ!

I’m not totally sure what happened during tonight’s event, but Pharrell Williams is a funny cat. We hosted a conversation with him and Elvis Mitchell at the Hammer tonight and the thing that stood out most of all, other than a fine defense of Hip-Hop and a bunch of popular movie references, was Pharrell’s entire and faithful re-enactment of a YouTube classic, Mr. Turner’s DUI. Next week we’ve got John Singleton, Charles Burnett, Charles King, Mickey Rooney, and Eli Roth. All free. Did someone say Mickey Rooney!

Good news Strindberg and Helium fans, the boys are getting back together! Hard to believe it’s been six years since they first rocked the internet. I laid down some new vocal tracks for Strindberg and have sent the audio files off to Erin and Eun-Ha for some sweet helium and animation-isizing. All I can say (in a high squeaky voice) is INNER TUBE!

Tonight we got an email from the mother of this young man, appropriately named Grey. Apparently he decided to dress as our little buddies/internet sensations, Strindberg and Helium for the annual Halloween party at his Tae Kwan Do studio. He was so distressed that no one knew who he was, and that he didn’t win the costume contest, he spent the night sobbing himself to sleep. This prompted a Bewl-Flashback! Picture it. SF. The Castro. 2001. A woman in a fleece vest and $2 cat ears asks me, “What are you supposed to be?” I was a Back-From-the-Dead Stand Up Comedy Duo! And unlike you, Miss Cat-Girl Who Likes to Keep Her Core Warm, I actually thought about my costume. To Kid Strindberg and others like him I say, press on, lil’ weirdos, press on. Be your unique selves and don’t let those Tae-Kwan-Dorks get you down. You’re training a very important muscle. Yer noggin! Use it!

I didn’t want to post this picture of Julia Sweeney, because I’m sure she’s moved past it, but I loved Pat and I am psyched Julia’s doing a Hammer Conversation on Thursday, June 7 at 7pm. She’s talking to Mike Brown from Cal Tech who was involved in the whole reclassification of Pluto deal that got people all in a cosmic tizzy. As usual, it’s free. I have no idea what they’re going to talk about other than it will probably involve God, the creation of the universe, and destiny. Like how it’s destiny that you read this and are making plans to attend. Pure gender-confused, obsessed-with-rocky-celestial-orbs-destiny.

We went to the tail end of Star Wars Con 30th Celebration thing last weekend. What’s sadder than 30,000 nerds wearing homemade lightsabers and padawan rat-tails? How about 25 nerds in an almost empty convention center. I’m not sure what the huge dude in the Jar-Jar latex mask and jedi cloak was supposed to be, but the asian imperial fighter operating the remote control R2-D2 was almost worth it. The most pathetic thing of all is that it prodded me into buying Star Wars Battlefront II. If you can play for a Wookie for two minutes, you should be able to play as a Wookie ALL minutes. RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?