I’m Breaking Up With Seamless

I sent this email today to care@seamless.com
It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time.
Subject: It’s Not You, It’s Me

Dear Care,
I need to break up with Seamless.
I’ve gained 25 lbs.
Spent $4000.
And I have to stop.
You make it too easy to get the things I love, but I offer nothing in return.
Have I been a great tipper? Yes. One of the best.
Lots of delivery guys have gotten a chance to view my place of work, ride in elevators, or climb lots of stairs. I feel good about that.
But I also had to buy size 40 pants.
SIZE 40.
That’s a size so obscene to local merchants like the Republic of Bananas and the Gaps, that they don’t even carry it in their stores. So I have to order more.things.online.
So it has to stop.
Delete me.
Set me free so that I may live again.
I’m not interested in remaining friends. Been there, done that. It never works.
We’ll just want to get together again, and the next thing you know I’ll be eating a burrito in bed.
With a bag full of chips.
Sprinkled with sugar.
You’ll always be a five star kind of operation in my book.
But this is for the best.
Goodbye,
James

UPDATE: At 4:49pm – Seamless wrote me this back:
Hi James,
We understand your need to go
We never wanted to cause you harm.
These things can sometimes lose control, with too much
of a good thing, cause for alarm.
Having fast food at your finger tips, just a click away
Leads quickly to temptation and from a diet it’s
so easy to stray.
So god speed, good consumer, we wish you all the best
We can’t say if we’ll meet again
But we’ll put your account to rest.
It’s with a heavy heart we set you free
Go, before we beg you to stay
Thank you for everything, James
You’ve truly been a great customer.
Take care of yourself, friend.

Seamlessly yours,
Kelsy

THANK YOU, KELSY. IT IS FOR THE BEST!!